What’s Happening With Me

Tomorrow is the big day. So, really, I haven’t gone to the hospital yet. But I’ve been thinking a lot about a comment my Mother made when I told her about my ongoing issues, post-gallbladder surgery. She said to me, “But you live so… healthy.”

This comment gave me pause. Not because I don’t think I’m healthy, because, well, I am. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t do drugs, I eat a largely vegetarian diet, focusing on whole grains, vegetables, and fruits. I avoid refined sugar and processed foods. I try and get enough sleep. I run or walk 4-5 times per week and I have a daily practice of Yoga and meditation (however brief it may be).

Is this enough to guarantee long life and perfect health? Is this why I make these choices? To ensure that I never encounter any physical suffering? Is that possible?

The resounding answer to all of these questions is, “No.” Nothing will guarantee a long, pain-free life. Nothing. I make the choices I do primarily to support my heart-felt desire to be present to my life. Growing spiritually requires us to be clear-minded, and what we put in our body and how we take care of our body, of course, impacts that.

My Mother’s comment, to me, highlights our bizarre relationship to discipline and fear. We do so many things out of a sense of fear and restriction. My sincerest wish is that we all learn to reacquaint ourselves with true kindness, which involves discipline, which leads to true freedom. If you remember my frosting breakdown late last year, it is an excellent example of what I’m describing. The truly kind thing for me to do on my own behalf was to exercise enough discipline to stop eating the frosting. By stepping away from the sugar, I am free from the pain of craving (after a few days). There is no feeling of deprivation- if there is, I’m not doing it from a place of self-love, understanding, and kindness….

But no matter what choices we make, I am certain there are no guarantees.

I am assuming that whatever is happening in my body is not terribly serious or I would feel worse, but really, I have no idea. I will know more tomorrow. I feel deeply grateful that outside of this one issue, I enjoy good health. This can only work to my advantage in the healing process. And, if it’s something more serious, I also feel deep gratitude that I have some tools to meet life’s challenges with, hopefully, some grace and ease.